Thursday, December 15, 2005

Frustrated incorporated

Looooong introspective post - proceed at will. I tried to be coherent. I dunno how it turned out.

- - - - -

I wish I were a better person - in all aspects.

I wish I were more prayerful.
I wish I were more responsible.
I wish I were more industrious.
I wish I were more reliable.
I wish I could manage my time better.
I wish I were more disciplined.
I wish I were more patient, with myself and with others.
I wish I had a more optimistic outlook in life.
I wish I had a working biological clock.
I wish I were more cerebral.

I wish I were more driven to excel.
I wish I were less of a batugan AND insomniac (yes, I am both, alternately).
I wish I never took things and people for granted.

And I wish I could be good at something.

I am a biology teacher. That's one tough subject to teach - really. Sa totoo lang, it's all about kwentuhan lang naman. The challenge is to make the kwento exciting and meaningful. It's hard enough to make them understand the details of the life cycle of an angiosperm, what more to make them realize what the hell the whole confusing kwento has to do with them. And I'm pretty sure I've missed out on a lot of things I'm supposed to be teaching, though I do intend to make it up to my students somehow. I just have to exert extra effort to prepare my lessons well. I wanna be a good biology teacher. Can I be?

I am an Environmental Management graduate student. Coming from a Molecular Biology and Biotechnology undergraduate course, which I did not take seriously enough, I find myself lost sometimes in this very-much-adult-world of Graduate School. Feeling ko I'm supposed to be so much better at this - but I'm not even delivering half of what I'm supposed to be delivering as a Pisay scholar and as a UP undergraduate. As the case has always been since high school, I find myself settling into the background, letting my colleagues excel just like Pisay and UP folks are supposed to excel. But I wanna be a good EM graduate student. Can I be?

I am an avid fan of music. I picked up the guitar in 7th grade because my crush back then was so good at it. My love for the instrument and the music was further fueled in high school when I got to meet a lot of great Pisay musicians, and the music of the the Eheads, the original Rivermaya, and Wolfgang were the hottest stuff around. But what have I learned since then? Most of what I know now on the guitar are stuff I learned back in high school. How sad. I don't even know how to read notes. For the longest time I've considered taking lessons, since I have a hard time learning on my own, and I can't ask my friends for help anyway. I wanna be a good guitar player. Can I be?

I am a hobbyist photographer. I enjoy taking shots of whatever, but mostly I love taking shots of musicians onstage - gig (not really 'concert') photography, if you may. But I'm a digital kiddo. I can't even focus using an SLR camera. I once took a Photography101 class, but I don't think I picked up much to help me improve my photography - mainly because I don't have an SLR camera to work with. As I said, I'm a digital baby - you shoot the pic, preview it on the LCD display; if it looks like crap, erase and shoot again. And you can always edit on the PC. But I wanna be a photographer for real. I have friends who are superb photographers. I wanna be a good photographer like them. Can I be?

I am a tita and ninang to some really cute kids. But I have noticed that I've got moods with kids. Sometimes I'm ok to hang out with them and take care of them, but there are times when I'd rather not deal with them. Often I don't have the patience to deal with tantrums and bratty behavior. I envy my sister, who is also a preschool teacher, because she handles those things so well. I guess it boils down to the maturity needed to deal with kids - I don't have much of that; minsan nga napipikon pa ako sa kanila eh. So how now, brown cow? How can I expect to be a good mom to my children, eventually? I wanna be a good mom (and tita and ninang). Can I be?

I sooo want to get married na, what with all these Pisay '98 weddings left and right (THREE - dapat nga FOUR eh - just this December, pwede ba?! Uber inggit...). But am I ready for it? Financially - definitely a no-no. Finding THE ONE - definitely not a problem. I've been with him for SEVEN years. How come other folks can get married na but I can't? I know it's being petty but I can't help but feel bad (and OLD) that my friends are married but I'm the one who's been with my guy for this long. Of course I then realize that it's not only about being with someone for so and so years. I tell myself, "Eh di gawan mo ng paraan." Ay ayun na nga, hindi pa nagagawan ng paraan. Drew and I have basically just started working - we haven't saved up for ANYTHING just yet. And with the way I'm handling my earnings - things aren't looking right. Hindi ako marunong mag-ipon - magastos ang CD at kape sa Starbucks hehehe. Tapos gusto ko pa bumili ng iPod tsaka SE P900i. Ayuz. But I wanna be a bride soon. Can I be?*

*To my married friends, please don't take offense. As I said, I'm being petty. But I can't help it. Also, it's not that Andrew doesn't want to get married. It's all about the Benjamins, baby - or, in our case, the Arrovos, este, Arroyos pala.

I wanna be good at something. I wanna be good in a lot of things. But somehow I'm lost in all this. I honestly don't know where I'm headed.

I envy those who can truly be musicians - maybe because they have the resources and/or the talent to be one. Gusto ko rin magbanda. Or at least have the freedom and the time to go to whatever gig I wish to attend. I am furiously in-love with the lokal scene, but I can't immerse myself in it too much because I am limited by house rules (can't go to gigs, can't be out late, etc.), and I can get too distracted that it's not good for me anymore. My profile says it all - "Rockstar-wannabe-but-cannotbe kaya pa-picture-picture nalang ng mga rockstar." And yet, I can't even master the art of photography.

On a more serious note (the previous paragraph was serious, but this is MORE serious), do I invest in being a good teacher and take up Education ('cause I very much believe it would help me teach better)? But how long would economics allow me to stay in my teaching career? Pareho pa naman kaming teacher ni Andrew - though sa Xavier siya, ahem. Besides, I already am enrolled in a Masters course. Ano ba talaga? Environmental consultant o teacher? O molecular biologist? Ano na nangyari sa pagiging MBB grad ko? Eh pag kinasal na ako't magkaanak, paano na ang pag-aaral? How about moving abroad? But I like it here in the Philippines. But what about my kids - can I provide for them if I stay in the Philippines? Shouldn't I be taking graduate studies abroad as well? But I like it here in the Philippines...

Ano ba talaga kuyaaa???

Ito na ba yung tinatawag na quarter-life crisis? Is this what being 25 is all about?

Grown-up: to be or not to be. Is there such a question???


Princess Buttercup said...

Best of luck to you in all your endeavors--that sure is quite a list you've got there! =) Now you just need a whole lot of grit, determination, and ambition, and you'll be well on your way. Bonne chance.

- d a c s - said...

hey thanks! i need all of that. was wondering what brought you here though =)

Princess Buttercup said...

I just randomly hit "next" blog and yours was next. Your poodle is cute, sorry for your loss. Thanks for your Hamlet comment. Yesterday I had some yogurt and he used to love it when I gave him the lid with the extra yogurt...but I had to throw it away. Sometimes it's those little everyday moments that make you miss them the most.

Beautiful tree--Merry Christmas!